Feel your feelings

Feelings are weird. They’re these constantly present inanimate objects that we continually interact with, whether or not we actually acknowledge them.

Contrary to some popular beliefs, feelings are real. Sometimes we try to give them the cold shoulder in hopes that they’ll get the hint and kindly disappear. Or we politely yet firmly shoo them away into the closet under the stairs out of sight and out of mind. Most often, however, we struggle to outsmart them with logic and explain to them why they don’t make sense and are therefore invalid. But that doesn’t make them any less real.

Feelings aren’t meant to be ignored, shoved away, or chastised. Feelings are meant to be felt. So why don’t we?

In our hearts, we’ll pretend like the sincere emotions we’re feeling aren't accurate. We’ll tell ourselves that we don’t have the right to be sad, because other people have it much worse, so we need to suck it up and just be grateful already. Or that we don’t deserve to be pleased, because we’re just a crappy piece of crap, so why would we think we could feel joy? We each have all kinds of unique baggage we've collected over our lifetime that goes into our handling of our emotions.

Feelings are scary and hard, and we want to avoid them. All of these emotions are small indicators of who we really are, and self-reflection and -evaluation is difficult, y’all. We peek into the dusty storage unit and see all of the broken pieces hiding just behind the feelings, and we close the door tight, too afraid to dive into the mess.

Furthermore, feelings are complicated. Many times I have felt two conflicting emotions simultaneously. I’ve been contently alone and desperately lonely in the same morning. I have been genuinely happy for my ex and terribly sad for myself at the exact same moment. I’ve been sincerely relieved by a change and unbearably heartbroken by the same loss. Does one negate the other? Absolutely not. But, I’m telling you, it’s complicated.  

Many times my head and my heart don’t align. I’ve known and fully believed all of the thoughtful, honest things that any friend would say to cheer me up, but still been devastated, nonetheless. My head knows “it’s better this way,” “God has a plan,” “you’ll be stronger in the end,” etc, but that doesn’t make the emotional pain of the moment any less agonizing. So it gets confusing.

In general, I’m a crier. It’s my physical response to the majority of emotions, both positive and negative. If I’m truly feeling anything at all, my tear ducts are a dead giveaway. However, even understanding that this is my primary method of processing emotions, many times I’ve acted as if crying is a privilege I simply can’t afford. I lecture my heart, saying I need to “pull myself together” and move on, rather than embracing the authenticity of the moment.

I’ve gotten very creative at distracting myself from the true emotions happening inside me. Maybe you have, too. I’ll stay busy in a variety of awesome ways by packing my schedule full of activities and great time with friends. I’ll dive into work, or escape into a different reality through books, tv, and movies. I keep thinking that eventually the feelings will get the hint that I don’t have time for them nor need them, so they’ll just discreetly take their knapsack and head back home.

Some of my emotions have been so intense, I’m completely convinced that if I actually “go there” and allow myself to feel them wholly, I’ll never be able to come back. Once the flood gates are opened, I’ll surely drown in the heavy undercurrent of the crushing waves.  I've convinced myself to ignore the true emotion and maintain the superficial happiness, because if I alternatively embrace the sadness, I’ll never be cheerful again. Like it’s an unwanted house guest that won’t ever leave after it’s been invited through my door.

Irrational but true. 

Luckily, however, that has never happened to me. Just because a feeling is felt, doesn’t mean it must become permanent or monopolize my life forever. Feelings may change from moment to moment or coexist with other feelings of equal or varying intensity. I don't have to be so afraid of their dominance.

I promise, if you can work up the courage to open the locked door and peer into the darkness to examine and become acquainted with one of the emotions you've tucked away, you won’t get trapped in there, too. Instead, you can become friends with it, appreciating its value for what it is. Nothing more; nothing less. You’ll no longer fear inviting it to join you in the future, because you’ll have acquired a mutual understanding with this emotion that it isn't a guest who will never leave. It can come visit when you need it, perform its necessary task, then go back home into the feelings room with the wide open floor plan and unlocked door.

It takes courage to interact with our emotions. It takes a great deal of strength to embrace them and own them and give them space to exist. Crying, instead of a weakness, is one of the bravest things we can do.

Not all feelings are accurate depictions of reality. (Just because you feel unlovable, doesn’t mean that you are unlovable.) But all feelings are real. Regardless of whether or not they are true, the feeling itself is always authentic. They may not be what's expected. They may not be what someone else would feel. But they are your's, and they are real, and they are valid. Don’t let anyone try to talk you out of them. Nobody else can know what they are or tell you what they should be. Only you can feel your feelings. But you’ve got to actually feel them, whatever they are. Go on. You can do it.

It takes time to sit in emotion. It takes determination to explore it. It takes courage to discover the underlying mess. It takes wisdom to decide where to put it and how often to revisit it. 

But it’s worth it.

Once you realize your true feelings, you don’t have to share them with anybody else (although, I certainly suggest it), but please, for your own benefit, at least share them with yourself. Learn them. Know them. Grow acquainted with them. They aren’t as scary as we think they are, and they aren't bullies trying to take over and ruin our lives. Feelings are part of who we are. They’re our core. So go ahead, work up the courage to feel your feelings and get to know yourself. You won’t regret it. And I'm so proud of you.